I soon realized that I was not dealing with one person, but that there were at least two very distinct ones, among other things with perceptions, sensations, ways of doing things, language, beliefs and ideas often completely different, they seemed to me like two yin & yang twins in which everything was different except obviously the physical appearance.
The two personalities, or if you prefer the two Miriams, at least at the beginning, appeared at different times, and often in different places, the effect that for me was most devastating and common was that, for example, I could spend a whole day with Miriam, we could be happy, but, as soon as we broke up, a chat, a voice message, a series of text messages, or a direct phone call (full of spite to the point that it was literally impossible to respond), in which I was reproached for something that a moment before had not even been pointed out to me, always small things, like being offered one cigarette too many or asking for a spritz with a separate bill, which she considered important to the point of being the reason for a fierce argument (if you can define an avalanche-monologue of reproaches as an argument)
And in the end the verdict was always the same, she never wanted to see me again and even forbade me to communicate via chat/text, it was normal that, as soon as we broke up, one of the two personalities, normally the negative/aggressive one, took over and the intensity of the anger was directly proportional to the intimacy and happiness previously achieved.
I had called them Miriam-A (the “good one)” and Miriam-B (the “bad one”), and I had pointed it out to her precisely in these terms, sometimes in a joking tone, for example once on the phone I asked her “which of the two Miriams am I talking to right now?”
It goes without saying that the more aggressive personality, and the one I believe was also responsible for the breakdown of the relationship, Miriam-B, appeared only in the case of taking crack.
Even when Miriam came back to me, maybe after a few hours, she behaved as if nothing had happened and refused to give explanations, persisting in blaming me but substituting forgiveness for condemnation, or vice versa.
I am telling this story because I am convinced that it is a general characteristic of the use of cocaine but especially of crack, in the sense that anyone, myself, under the effect of that substance changes personality, often becoming in some way the opposite of what he normally is.
As soon as I first observed this behavior, particularly evident in Miriam, I thought of an old Charlie Chaplin movie, in which there is a very rich man, who changes personality when he gets drunk, he is normally aggressive, antisocial in a certain sense, a person who despises everyone a bit, but when he gets drunk, he becomes the opposite, a sweet person, who helps, In short, he is the opposite of before.
Of course, in Miriam it was evident to the point of reaching heights of unconscious humor, but I have seen and noted it in EVERYONE.
Confirmation is provided by the testimonies of long-term drug addicts who had "migrated" from one addiction to another, typically from heroin to crack.
What ALL these people told me was that heroin was lethal, in the sense that by increasing the doses sooner or later you would end up with it BUT your personality didn't change..."I was always me with heroin, while with this stuff I'm another person"
It's as if the use of that substance freed in one fell swoop all those parts of our personality that consciously or unconsciously we decided to put in the background, or even inhibit, and in return it attenuates or makes our most recurrent psychological traits disappear, those that in the eyes of the outside world qualify/identify us.
I thought of many analogies to explain this effect and the one I like the most I took from the X-Men comic book and movie series, in this saga they tell us that there are genes in our DNA responsible for our evolution, which can be activated and/or strengthened.
In this saga when the mutant gene is activated, it triggers a sort of super-fast evolution of the human race inside the person BUT, since evolution can follow multiple paths, the gene creates mutations that can be very different depending on each individual, and that are random, for example there are those who become super-strong, there are those who become super-fast, another teleports, in short, absolutely different and unpredictable effects that depend on the individual's starting genetics.
Here, with cocaine, but especially with crack, something similar happens, in the sense that it is not possible to predict a priori what the reactions in the personality are due to their intake, it is possible both to transform into a criminal madman and into an amoeba indifferent to anything.
Personally, I thank the heavens that, in my case, nothing aggressive is unleashed, on the contrary, I become calmer and more thoughtful, and this is very positive as there have never been any unpleasant social consequences following my intake of crack, but the split personality, or at least a heavy deformation of it, happened to me too and I noticed it....you bet!
Returning to Miriam: What I realized later, and that for the moment I have observed practically only in Her, is that these two personalities coexist, that is, they are both inside and think/speak alternately, which of the two takes command can depend on a thousand things and can change several times during the day in a radical way, transforming what was a wonderful moment into a catastrophe, and a moment of serenity into an explosion of anger.
