SUICIDES are a huge problem…ABOVE ALL FOR THOSE LEFT BEHIND!. In fact there is a whole body of literature on this tragic subject that I invite the more interested readers to explore…as a starting point a simple internet search is enough, I suggest using a term like “suicide survivors”, it will be easy to realize how traumatic such an event is for the whole family, or as in this case THE families involved, and the community of closest friends.
But Mirko had not “only” killed himself, his farewell letter, addressed ONLY to Miriam, is a full 10 pages long, I had the chance to examine it, read part of it together with Miriam (who was still rereading it several years later), and later think deeply about it on my own and as calmly as possible.
I tried to help Miriam with her guilt, but it was not easy: that letter is a precise act of accusation against her, and unfortunately it had the desired effect!
As I already mentioned, from the start Mirko demanded a “normal” relationship, based on living together and sharing…even the work activity in which he tried in vain to involve her (and apparently this was exactly what Miriam did NOT want), but NOT ONLY THAT: The phrase of Mirko that Miriam remembers most is “I will teach you a different way to love”, that is, he not only wanted the devotion of a wife/partner…he wanted to change Miriam…and in the deepest part imaginable in a human being, her way of loving!
I thought about it for a long time, even when, many months later, Miriam began to display unacceptable behavior (and not only toward me), and I came to the conclusion that the cruelty of that letter is completely arbitrary and undeserved!
MORE THAN THAT: I believe that Mirko’s suicide and his letter may have been the real “turning point”, IN A NEGATIVE SENSE, in Miriam’s Life, the shock from which she was no longer able to recover.
In fact, despite her husband’s unfortunate choice and the many years of suffering, Miriam had managed to redeem herself, to transform herself from a “fucking junkie” into a mother capable of bearing on her own shoulders the weight of the entire family.
As we will see in the following parts (AND, I SWEAR, I SAY THIS HOPING THAT ONE DAY THE FACTS PROVE ME WRONG) from here on things go from bad to worse.
There is one last detail that I find deeply disturbing in this story: next to Mirko’s portrait, there is a single memory of another man: it is a photo of Miriam’s Father!
I believe I am the only one who noticed it, but to me it has a clear and shocking meaning: in Miriam’s mind whatever “positive” thing there may be in the male world has been definitively buried!