There was a moment at the beginning of our story, when we admitted the emotions and feelings we had for each other, in which Miriam and I were carefree and happy, it lasted very little, BUT from that moment she expressed to me clearly, rationally and even theorizing it in her own way, her fear of love and her sacred terror for any long-term emotional relationship.
In fact, I remember the first moment in which we were intimate, in the sense that we behaved as can only be done between people who love each other.
I was at my house, She calls me on my cell phone and tells me to come down, I don't even remember the exact reason why she decided to stop by my place, but I run down the stairs and go out, She sees me and gets out of the car leaving it in the middle of the access road, a secondary road, but one that all residents must necessarily travel, on board there is a passenger who remains astonished watching the scene and pretends to fiddle with his cell phone trying to feign indifference, She gives me a wonderful, indescribable smile, and then runs towards me with open arms, laughing, she literally jumps on my neck and with her legs she wraps herself around my back, she clings to me and holds me like a child looking for affection and protection, I instinctively use my hands to support her by holding her hips. We joke, she asks me mischievously if I have trouble holding her like this and if it wouldn't be a good idea to "change position" I reply that there are no problems but in fact if I could use a more central part of my body to support her we would be more stable and comfortable,,,,, and... I add: "also it would certainly be mutually satisfying".
We laugh like children .... then we look into each other's eyes and there is silence, I put her down and push her gently against the outside wall of the building ... we continue to look into each other's eyes while we kiss, time stops, nothing exists outside of her and me ... She tells me "I have never felt this attraction for anyone ... EVER!" ... ... it's wonderful ... it's just a moment but it changes everything.. It changes ME completely.
BUT
Her face with microscopic facial movements suddenly transforms, but what was the smile of a happy child now looks more like the grin of a predator and her eyes are challenging, while she continues to kiss me she says: "I will fight this thing in all ways, I will do everything to get rid of it".
At that moment I don't take her seriously and I continue to laugh and kiss her...but...I'M WRONG!
HERE, in that sentence, in that moment there is all the essence, the spirit of what I mean when I talk about FEAR OF LOVING...and.. I was able to see that it is not just a problem of Miriam, it is generalized, pervasive in what I call the dark world.
In the dark world, populated by drug addicts and criminals, love is seen as a catastrophe, something to be avoided like the bubonic plague, and this is true for all categories, from the thug to the gang leader passing through prostitutes and scammers, but it is especially true for drug addicts.
Because that stuff you do to yourself, as much as it makes you do things that destroy your life, as much as it destroys you psychologically, that is not up for discussion, it is an obsessive state that ends up becoming part of you and ultimately defines your very identity.
Is that lifestyle self-destructive? ... but they know it very well ... EVERYONE!
From THEIR point of view, regardless of the inevitable epilogue, which is often accepted or even taken for granted is considered somehow manageable, controllable.
They all know that habits such as taking drugs, prostitution in exchange for a dose, beating someone on commission, burglarizing houses or robbing people have inevitable consequences, such as finding themselves unable to find a job and disowned by their family, they are aware of this, they are considered "normal" things, integral parts of a way of life, THEIR way of life, which is almost always the ONLY one they know.
Sure, there are the “occupational risks,” like ending up in jail for years, being deported, crashing during a police chase, being raped by a thug, and getting AIDS, but even these are considered statistically manageable eventualities, like the risk for an insurance policy.
NOT LOVE, that is BY DEFINITION something UNCONTROLLABLE, if you truly love someone, if you fall in love with someone, you lose control, and this scares you more than anything else.
That's why Miriam, from the very moment we started to have feelings for each other, from the very beginning was already planning the end of our relationship, and she was so correct that she told me to my face, and since I didn't understand she talked to me about it, she explained it to me in her own way, she almost theorized it: she preferred to be addicted to crack/coke/heroin because she had been for practically her whole life (also because Miriam is not a young girl, she is only a few years younger than me).
The only thing that is not "controllable" for her is losing her head for someone, and she showed me this with detailed facts and memories, when in the past it had happened to her there had been a series of consequences and situations that NOT EVEN SHE had been able to manage.
After the first intimate approaches, sometimes even in the middle of some unforgettable moment, Miriam became even more explicit: "I will make this thing end, I will do everything to make it end, and in the end I will succeed".
And unfortunately, once again she was right.